I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
