my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
