you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
