So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
