i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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