he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
