My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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