you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
