I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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