Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
