3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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