My girlfriend figured out who you are.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
