Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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