I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
