you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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