get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
