Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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