i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
