Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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