just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
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