i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
