I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
