She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
