I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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