I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
