I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
