the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
