quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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