I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Randomize
