Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
