the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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