Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
