I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
