remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
