i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Randomize
