I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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