You're my little dorito
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
