I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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