Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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