Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
