If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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