I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
