Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
