Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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