dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
