In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
