dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
