Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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