i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
