the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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